Words my mother said to me when I had become so fed up with the relationship with my father, we ended up sitting in a cafe talking about the importance of that relationship.
Or what it would feel like if it didn’t exist.
Would we ever find peace with one another? Would I ever dissolve my indifference and find it in myself to give him what he wanted…to be a part of my life?
Could I forgive him for something he doesn’t even remember?
…
I’m not a fucking victim.
Not anymore.
I’m choosing to no longer suffer.
But the ripples of a broken relationship echoed far into my future.
The distance of the echo?
My inability to process and let it go.
She also told me, “I’m always here for you” and “You can do whatever you want to.”
Two very bland and typical sentences from a mother.
But it was her quiet actions of an unforgiving passion for people and the cautionary rebuttals against my rash and bitter attitude toward life and others.
No matter who my mother came across, she always had grace and compassion in her interactions. There was only one instance where I saw her explode.
When my mother got divorced from my stepfather, the family split in two. My brother, who was his biological child went off the rails. He dropped out of school, got into drugs and drinking and I watched him one night put his fist through the back window of his car because of an unhealthy relationship.
When my brother came home one day saying that the cops were on their way to arrest him(I don’t remember for what), my mom’s voice broke, she leaned into his face and demanded to know if he was on drugs.
It was one of the very few times that I was fearlessly willing to get into a bloody maul with another human, even if it happened to be my brother.
…
I once said something like, “All women are evil. They’re conniving and will always use men.”
And I said this in front of my mom, my sister, and my grandmother.
Oops.
This came months after a nearly one-year relationship with a girl who broke up with me over text and was cheating on me with her new manager, hanging out until 3:30 am, who just “needed friends because he moved to Idaho to open the new restaurant.”
I might have been bitter…
…
It’s these two things —
her grace and compassion for all people
her ability to check my irrational anger and aggression
— that taught me this:
People are good.
It’s the corruption, greed, and hurt that people come across through their lives that makes them evil.
But at the core, if people had a choice and were given love, support, and understanding, people want to be their best.
That’s all.
The problem is — and I will argue this all fucking day — is that people give in to what traumatized them, what has made them suffer, and what has tricked them. And they follow the path of taking what they can from the world as justice(actually revenge) for what has been done to them.
…
Ultimately, it has given me an unrelenting belief in people. A, sometimes, blinding trust.
The undeniable sacrifice however has been that I have been let down. I’ve been blown away by the evil and dark things people do.
That happens.
But as I learn from the world, get wise, and thicken my skin, I deeply know that I would have rather been a believer in the good of people first, rather than start living my life assuming all people are evil and be so guarded that seeing the good in people is impossible.
I’d rather have no walls and know how to fight for myself rather than build a castle with a moat of crocodile sharks(Mosasaurus’) and be vulnerable to anyone who can reach me.
The tallest walls block the most beautiful views.
If we pay attention enough we can find the things within us that aren’t just strong character traits but are things that help us decide how we will face the world.
Whether intentional or not, I will always be grateful to a mother who gave me the ability to see that humans are just flawed potential walking around the world just trying to not get tripped up.
People who seek love and charity.
And people who lose their way sometimes.
It just means to me that human beings need each other.
And the best way to live is to face evil and bring your best to the world.
As an artist.
As an innovator.
As a caregiver.
As an activist.
As a leader.
As a contributor.
Truth and Love, Reader.